RICHARD ironed his nostrils with the back of his hand. All eyes around his desk looked
elsewhere. You didn’t correct Richard’s less sociable antics. Not if you wanted
to find your tires still stiff and plump when it was time to go home.
The
New Guy, who didn’t know better, acted like all the other New Guys on their
first day at the collection agency: Solicitous. Brainlessly solicitous. “Jeez,
Dick, I’ve got some Benadryl tablets on me, if you want to shut off that tap.”
The
New Guy yelped and spun around as the stapler bounced off his forehead.
“Call
me that again, and I’ll give you a dick up your ass. Sheila, you got a mirror
in your cosmetics case? I want him to see the hole in his head. He looks like a
teacher’s aide punctured by toddler demon seeds. You’re supposed to intimidate
a client into paying their bills, not make them laugh their scrotums off. Who
was I sending you to?”
New
Guy swore as Richard yanked the paper from between his fingers, leaving a
skinny red string of a paper cut.
“Oh,
yeh. THAT one. Told the hospital she can’t pay because her hours at work were
cut and the government’s garnishing her wages because she doesn’t have enough
money to pay off her student loan. The bitch probably has thousands of dollars
hidden away. That’s what they do, especially since the big banks failed a few
years ago. Clearly not the job for you now, Benadryl Balls. I’ll get that money
back for the hospital. Watch.”
Sheila
ran after Richard as he left the office with the other collectors. “Your
inhaler!”
He
waved her away. “I just yelled at Mr. Dick for not having the proper
professional appearance. You think the broad’ll take me seriously when I start
sucking on a plastic tit in the middle of my proposal? Eff the inhaler. Eff
these flipping allergies. They’ll leave me alone if I don’t pay attention to
them. ”
Ten
blocks away, the guinea pig stood gripping the cage bars with his front paws as
Mommy’s loving hands scooped his buddy out of the bedding beside him.
“I’m
so sorry, sweetie.” Mommy sobbed as she held Sweetie to her shoulder, stroking
his back, letting her tears soak his head.
Her
friend gently reminded her that she was doing the right thing by placing her
pet up for adoption. She simply didn’t have the money to look after two pets
properly.
Mommy
bravely placed the piggy in his little carrier and set a handful of sweet green
timothy hay in the cage for the remaining piggy.
Richard
watched them leave. He figured he had forty-five minutes to find the woman’s
stash of money. He couldn’t wait to count it all and confront her.
He
was ransacking the chest of drawers near the guinea pig’s cage when like a
balloon he began to inflate.
The
piggy chomped its hay, oblivious to the allergen-bloated body on the floor. -- by Gev Sweeney, Copyright 2011
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